As a manager, part of your job is having difficult conversations—with clients, direct reports and your management—and yet few people handle this situation well. Most people avoid these conversations which does not make the problem disappear. If anything, avoidance compounds the problem. However, with planning, these conversations become more manageable and less emotionally loaded. There are four things to keep in mind when planning this type of conversation.
Perspective
Recognize that focusing on your own anxiety or fears about the upcoming conversation only makes things worse. Managing your own emotions during tough conversations is the key to success. Put your attention on the other person and how they may feel or react—it is much more productive. Also think of the implications for them. For instance, if you’re telling a client or supervisor that you are over budget, try to figure out what would help them manage the situation when they inform their management. Empathy will help you anticipate questions better and will help you be prepared to handle them. Remember, as tough as the conversation is for you, it is much worse for the other person because they are not in control.
Context
You want to have a difficult conversation once….you don’t want to confuse your audience and have to have a repeat performance. Setting the context for the discussion is critical so that the proper message is received. This involves the way you set up the conversation as well as the physical setting for the conversation e.g. choosing a “neutral” place like a conference room or off-site location. You want to give enough background to provide context for the issue you need to discuss without including extraneous information that could take your conversation off track. For instance, if your key issue is that you are not going to be able to deliver on a project, it is much better to have a conversation specifically about that as opposed to trying to bury the information within a status meeting. Your audience will know you’re trying to downplay it and it usually results in a negative reaction—much more so than if you faced things head on.
Content
A normal reaction to unpleasant news is to only hear the one “bad” thing and walk away with no knowledge of the rest of the conversation. It’s akin to a patient receiving bad news during a visit to their physician. Therefore you need to be focused in your content and provide clear examples to illustrate your points. Depending upon the situation it may be a good idea to provide this in a memo for the person to walk away with… particularly if there is money involved. You want to give enough information so that when the conversation concludes and the recipient is mulling it over they have enough facts to completely understand the situation.
Close
Strategizing how to end a difficult conversation is as important if not more important than planning how to open. Once you’ve said what you have to say and given them a chance to ask questions, you need to get off the topic and out of the conversation. The longer it goes on, the more confusing it becomes for the person you’re speaking to. It also is very hard to maintain your composure if the other person is reacting emotionally. While you don’t want to be heartless, you need to remain neutral in the face of tears, anger, etc. Repeat your closing statement and bring the conversation to a close assuring the other person that you can speak about this again once they’ve had a chance to absorb the information.
Proper perspective, planning the context, content and close can take the anxiety out of difficult conversations. They may not be pleasant for you but allowing the other person to retain their dignity is the biggest service you can provide to them.
Want to learn more about how to handle difficult conversations? Contact Amanda Mitchell, an executive coach who specializes in working with high achievers. amitchell@theokeefegroupusa.com
